OPINION|
At the start of his book “In the Neighborhood,” author Peter Lovenheim describes a tragedy that struck his suburban neighborhood.
A family lived down the street with two children. Both parents were physicians. One evening, the husband came home, shot and killed his wife, and then killed himself. The kids ran screaming into the night. Soon after, the kids moved to live with their grandparents.
“In effect, this family who had lived on my street for seven years effectively had vanished overnight,” said Lovenheim during a Neighboring 101 class I hosted with him in 2023.
“Besides absorbing the tragedy of it, I was struck by how little this calamity affected the neighborhood,” said Lovenheim. “I didn't know them beyond a wave. And asking around, I found nobody else in the neighborhood did either. I learned that nobody knew each other well. I asked myself, ‘Do I live in an actual neighborhood or just on a street surrounded by people whose lives are entirely separate from mine’?”
We all have busy lives, schedules to keep and activities planned. But we are also humans, living next to humans, and each one has a story with victories and defeats in life. How we treat others during a tragedy is a big part of being a human.
Showing love and concern to a neighbor opens the door to help when tragedy strikes, and families need help. That is not a burden; that is a blessing and an important principle for an engaged neighbor.
Being present is important
I have seen this need for kindness amid tragedy in my own neighborhood. A neighbor who lost her husband in a car accident, a family that was impacted by a fire, and neighbors impacted by health concerns and medical diagnoses. Each situation allowed us to love them, listen and pray, and offer support not just a few days after the tragedy but for weeks and months later.
The most recent tragedy was the death of a child who lived on our street. It reminded me of the importance of investing in my neighbor's lives while things are going well.
If I had not already been in a relationship with the family, it might have been days before I heard about Ethan Tucker's passing (on Jan. 3, 2024) or had a chance to help in any way. Instead, I was called immediately.
The difference between that and what Lovenheim experienced on his street cannot be overstated. Tragic events remind me of why building these neighbor relationships in advance is important.
Responding to a tragedy or challenge for your neighbor is the essence of loving your neighbor. If that relationship does not exist, your neighbor will never ask. Those who say they do not want to get involved are really saying they do not want to love that neighbor.
However, a second reason for building those neighbor relationships is that I may face a tragedy myself someday, and if I do, I do not want to face it alone.
Want to love your neighbor? Start building a relationship so that when challenges come, you can respond, or they can help you. Acts of love are what make your street feel like a neighborhood.
Some neighborly advice for listening, talking and connecting
In the days and weeks after Ethan’s death, neighbors brought groceries, meals, and gift cards to the house. Some even changed the oil on the family vehicles and did a few chores to express their concern and support. Neighbors and friends attended the funeral and checked on the family. Then, for most, life returned to normal.
“When you lose a child, you become a major league griever,” said Tim Tucker, Ethan’s father. “Life returns to normal for others, but for us life contains lots of firsts which remind us that Ethan is gone. It is always there. Like our first vacation without Ethan or a trip to Silver Dollar City without Ethan. Our first Christmas is still to come.”
Gestures of kindness and social contact after the funeral are meaningful ways of processing grief. Continue to be of help, and continue to ask about the deceased loved one.
“We love when people share a memory of Ethan,” said Kristen Tucker, Ethan’s mom. “(A neighbor) mentioned how much he missed watching Ethan play hockey on the driveway last week. We want to talk about Ethan. And it means a lot to know that Ethan is on other people’s minds, too.”
Kristen says she is thankful for friends who have continued to send notes of support to family members. Some have even used their talent to create art and music honoring Ethan.
“You are not going to remind me that I lost my child. You bringing it up will not remind me. I might get emotional but we want to talk about Ethan,” said Tim. “I would say that talking about him is one of the few ways I’ve found joy. Ethan is the first thing I think about every morning and the last thing I think of every evening.”
Neighbors should know it is okay to discuss a deceased loved one or memories of them. Take the time to listen. Understand that feelings of being alone come along three or four months after the loss. Offer help and friendship regularly. And continue to engage with the family.
Begin with the end in mind
If your neighborhood has not been touched by a tragedy recently, then today is a good time to start preparing for that moment.
A good starting point is to learn your neighbors' names and stay in contact regularly.
“I always wished I had reached out and had a relationship with the family,” said Lovenheim. “Just by listening and caring and having contact, I might have been able to offer help or point them to a friend who does couple’s therapy, something that might have stopped that tragedy from happening. I think about that often. It haunts me because I could have made a difference.”
Helpful tips to support those grieving
The Lost and Found Grief Center of Springfield, Mo provided these ideas.
- Provide help with everyday tasks like mowing the lawn, shoveling the driveway, running errands, and more. This helps to lighten their load on a difficult journey.
- Provide meals. Mealtimes can be overwhelming without an extra set of hands, and they can be lonely without their loved one being there.
- Give parents/caregivers a break. Not only are they now parenting alone, but they are also grieving and caring for grieving children. Even if it’s an hour, allow the parent/caregiver to take a break.
- Just listen. You don’t have to have magic words. Your presence means everything.
- As the months go on, the needs continue, and the loneliness grows, so make note to reach out and validate your feelings and experiences.
- Check in on hard dates (birthdays, date of death, holidays, etc.).
